Alchemist and some confusion

It has been a great start for summer here in Oslo. Some rain, lots of sun and warm. Those awkward first days with t-shirts and shorts after winter are done now and I can feel my body just to relax - pfiiiiuuuf. I love winter but I need my dose of vitamin D and sunshine/warmth as well. Lovely.

But I get over the confusion first. After all that excitement about relaxation I suddenly stopped doing it. I don't know why, I haven't got a clue actually. What happened? I might give it a try in a few days just to test it but I don't have that urge to do it. That makes me kind of confused and quite honestly I feel a bit lonely as I thought I'd found the way and support. I feel like I have now lost the support. What the heck am I supposed to do now? Kind of funny actually but yes, very confusing.

Alchemist then. I am a very, very periodical reader. I may read 2-3 books in a row and then it says stop. I start the 4th one and never finish it. I have some books in my bookshelf that I've never finished and I feel a bit ashamed to say "The Alchemist" WAS one of them. I've read many other from Coelho but never felt connected to that one - until now. I started the first pages and had this strange feeling that this book had just waited for the right time. It's all about decisions, destinies and maybe creating one's own karma. At least that's how I took it.

I found it really comforting to read about travels, choices and trusting one's heart. Another thing which is a bit strange is that I actually first fell for the quote from the book "Remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure". It was the quote that made me to read the book. I like the timing.

I've been thinking about my decisions and choices and no, I don't regret any of them. Or not the big decisions. Some small ones maybe... I wouldn't be where I am now and I kind of like where I am now. With life and with possibilites. If I only knew what to do with those possibilities...confused but happy.

Steady progress

Just a short update...even though I feel tempted to get a little bit irritated as I don't feel big progress I try to relax and take one thing at the time. And I kind of have success in that too. I feel change in little things and some bigger things but I don't get that big "wow" feeling right now. Well, that's actually the way it should all be. No big ups and/or downs, just steady progress. And I don't have patience to that..I want big things, big feelings and at the same time I so enjoy little things and every day moments.

I have been planning too much again. Planning June and July and dreaming about coming holidays to Iceland and maybe to Georgia. Dreams are good but they can also be destructive when they take too much time from present moment. They take time from things to be done, things that should be done and things that just should be enjoyed righ now. I dream about travelling to Iceland. That's my bad habit. Something I don't totally want to get rid off...heh, well... I liked the country that much last august. It's my hobbitland. Place far away from everything (mentally and physically).

I can feel some small changes and it makes me smile

Finished my morning relaxation again. I really look forward to these moments as it allows me to do nothing and just concentrate on my feelings and emotions. One is not really allowed to even think. Well, thoughts are always not that easy to control but when in relaxation thoughts come and go, they just visit me and then they go. It's ok to have them but it's not ok to let them have control. And that is how it has been with me.

I've been doing relaxation/hypnosis for some weeks now  and I can feel the difference. I feel the carousel slowing down. I do feel a little bit dizzy sometimes after all that merry-go-round but I can start to see direction. I read on Facebook page to my Silva contact that Robert Dilts (famous within NLP method) once said to her "Set a direction, you do not need to know the destination, just set a direction". How perfect! I've been worrying about my goalless situation but all I need is a direction. And I have a direction...ish. I can let go and let things fall into their places.

One physical effect of relaxation is the higher level of oxytocin in the body. And for me who has been living with a high level of cortisol (stress hormone) probably many years (on/off) feels this oxytocin like a drug. You can google and find a lot of scientific fact about oxytocin - I found many, but here is one example.

http://oxytocincentral.com/

I am a little bit sceptical about this page as they promote "buying oxytocin" where as I think most of these hormones (I can talk about tryptophan some other time) should be taken in a natural way. But there is some useful information in easily digestible way on that page.

But all this. I do think my life is about to change or maybe better way to put it, I am about to change. Good example is two days that just passed by. I got two surprise invitations  - one to a celebration of the national day of Norway and one to see Eurovision Song Contest. And most important of all, I said yes to both invitations and had a good time. In addition I made a 2o km hike in the forest yesterday. I was supposed to go to a cabin tour with someone I know but he cancelled in the last minute. I got irritated, got over that irritation and went for a small hike just by myself. Good girl.

Here are two relaxing photos from my tour in the forest.

Confused, but saved by horses

Well well, after my small steps of progress came a big leap backwards. Some family things put me into the same old carousel...I wasn't able to relax and enjoy relaxation/self hypnosis. I was confused and my body was working overload. Good example again how mental things can do physical harm and the other way around. I was disappointed in myself, for no big reason really but I just felt like crap.

So I took a break from all effort for relaxation. Funny enough I didn't fall all the way back (close enough) and after some days (read a week) I was finally in the right mood for some deep relaxation today. I found earlier these amazing self hypnosis videos by Kim Carmen Walsh. I really like her voice and I have been able to fall into a deeper hypnosis than maybe never before. It's a soothing feeling to let go, to just relax. Today I did this one, but there are many from her and I've tried two or three others. They are all good and perfect length for me (just over 20 minutes).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmKD5dmZq4E

I am now even more convinced that relaxation can be a big help for me. I feel both physical and mental relief.

Aa, talking about relief. Horse therapy - I had my weekly dose of horse back riding yesterday again. Being with a big animal, working, co-operating, discussing... Horse will react at once if you're not mentally there. You can be relaxed but you are there 100% - if not, horse will notice at once. Best therapy, best company.

Tomorrow I am going to another workshop - mostly Silva method again. This time it's all about goal setting and yes - it should be just what I need. Relaxation and setting goals.

Progress, progress - one small step at the time

Ok, I was in laughter yoga on Thursday. I didn't know what to expect but I honestly think it was closer to improvising than yoga. It was fun to improvise and laugh but that's about it for me, didn't really get that many kicks out of it. After laughing there was a free workshop about Silva method. Not really convinced about any "products" like that but I totally agree about relaxation and self hypnosis.

About ten years ago I went to some NLP sessions to get over my stage fright and nervousness in certain type of social situations. That gave me a wonderful gift of being able to relax and fall into this deep state of relaxation and self hypnosis. I created my own place in relaxation where I could be a better version of me and just relax. That place has been close to abandoned for many years and I've missed that place.

Being able to fall into this deep relaxation clears my thoughts and gives me determination. I have now done relaxation several times after Thursday evening. Ten minutes deep relaxation after coming home from work makes wonders, believe me. Instead of making to-do lists and forcing me to do things and holding on to promises I just relax, clear my head and I have a clearer vision of what I am going to do. Sounds magical? Well, it is. And I basically don't have to do anything, just give myself little time.

There's a lot of information in internet, and as we all know there's a lot of blaahblaah as well. But one man who has been studying relaxation a lot is Herbert Benson. Here is his guide to relaxation - Relaxation Response.

So this is my first small step, I am going to stop making decisions and promises. Instead, I am changing the way I think and act.

Right...disappointed of myself? Sure...I was back to my old routines right the next day. That's how I am built up right now...making decisions and then just forgetting them. With one exception...a decision I made two years ago. I decided to leave my lovely Tromso and move to Oslo. I really love(d) Tromso so I didn't want to leave just like that and I gave myself one year...If I still felt like leaving after one year then it was allowed. Surprisingly enough I did...

I was up in Tromso for three days a week ago - a little bit socializing, mostly work but I loved it. Somehow I didn't question my decision at all - I loved to be back, I loved to meet everybody, I felt myself at home and all that but at the same time I understood that I left. It was a bit bittersweet feeling - I still loved Tromso, so I didn't really leave but at the same time I was ok with the decision I made. Nice, balancing and kind of relieving - I am actually allowed to have both, no need of letting go.

But back to the decision of keeping my other decisions...I am a chaos :). So...what I decided to do now is to keep a diary of my exercise everyday... This is not really about loosing weight but to about being more energized, being more motivated, more mental...so it's a bit harder to show results. But my first challenge is on Thursday - laughter yoga. Tomorrow is a holiday here in Norway so I promise to myself I'll eat good breakfast and go and socilize a little bit (it's Finnish Vappu after all). The latter combined with a long walk. Believe me? I will...gonna show myself. I feel very tempted to write "maybe" here...kanskje...but I have to learn about decisions so I'll skip the maybes.

I'm starting this blog mainly to clear up the mess in my head. I have so many plans...too many plans and no intention to fulfill them all. There is a carousel in my head with all kind of different plans - A and B sure, I think I am in letter T now.

Some say that's a good thing but I don't think so. How about concentrating on some things and making some dreams come true. Making decisions is sometimes so hard that it's just easier to continue the normal old way of being restless and goalless. Sometimes I make promises to myself just to find out that I never intended to keep them. Right now I have two bigger plans a) to finish my BA and b) to travel to Vietnam for a month next winter. Problem is these two don't co-operate at all and I'll probably just choose Vietnam because it sounds like fun :). Easy way out.

My smaller goals then - eat healthier and loose weight, learn good swimming technique - sounds good but the problem is that these have been my goals "for ever". Where is the action? It's all about decisions - next Monday, tomorrow, from the beginning of next month. Where's NOW? I am a queen of postponing things.

So, this time I have decided! And to make myself to stay with this decision I am starting this blog.